thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
