Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Houston, we have a squirter
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
