if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
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