my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
