I'm gonna have a badass scar
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
even my farts smell like vagina
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
