I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
