Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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