I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Why are your pants in the freezer?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
