I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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