I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
