Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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