apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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