I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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