Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
