My friends, they love my intelligence
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
