I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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