so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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