he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
