seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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