yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize