Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
