I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
