you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
