So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
