Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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