you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just pee around me
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
