...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
