The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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