she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
