I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
