once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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