so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
