I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize