even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Randomize
