It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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