well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The uberlube is also flammable
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
