Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Yo dont text me then not text me
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
