True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
