At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
