@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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