I feel great
I just peed on a car
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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