Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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