he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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