Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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