dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
