I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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