I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize