Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
