girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
