just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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