Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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