I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
