Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
