I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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