I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
