Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
