I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
