a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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