ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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