My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
