im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
