I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
