My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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